Obviously, this is going to be about Slade. If you are a parent you can absolutely understand what it feels like to love someone the way a parent loves their child. Before Slade came into my life, or even started growing in my body I felt like my life was trivial, boring at the least. Everyday was spent sleeping in, getting up, hanging out with the same people and doing the same old things. I rarely felt the motivation to go to school (maybe why its taking me three years to finish a program that usually takes one.) I found myself in abusive relationships, outrageous circumstances, and dangerous, stupid situations. All I ever cared about was myself and when the next "fun" thing to do was happening. Living your life like that starts to become monotonous.. I started feeling pretty depressed and alone. I felt like my life was going no where fast. I met Dane and we were both feeling like life was just, drill. We kept going, trying to invent new ways to have fun. Some of my relationships were starting to fail and as a result I felt as if the meaning of my life was failure. Then something unexpected and unplanned happened. I got pregnant. It was really, really scary. I mean, here I am: 19 years old, unmarried, broke, immautre - and I'm actually thinking of bringing a life into the world. Needless to say a LOT of people were really mean and didn't understand why I didn't just get an abortion, because I obviously wasn't capable of having a child. I couldn't even "take care" of myself. Someone actually told me to SELL my child on craigslist. Seriously. People are REALLY REALLY mean. People thought I was baby crazy and wanted to get pregnant on purpose. It really wasn't like that. I had been praying that God would show me something that would take my breath away and change me on the inside. Make me feel motivated and happy and like I actually had something to live for. Maybe some people feel like partying, staying out all night, and living for the spontaneity of life is living the dream, but after doing that for 5+ years, I was OVER it. I felt dead inside. I wanted a change. Having a baby wasn't exactly what I had in mind, dane and I actually had been discussing moving to Hawaii. I guess that wasn't in Gods plan for us. Even though being pregnant lost me a lot of friends and my "youth" it changed me, for the better. & when Slade was born there was no going back. Reality set in, and I was responsible for this precious beautiful being. and even if I had wanted to, there is no "off" button. (for those of you who arnt parents and don't know what its like) Your thoughts are fixated on this part of you. You dream, live, eat, and breathe for this person and even though its hard work- you wouldn't change it for anything. Not a second goes by that you don't think about this child you created and even when your asleep, your "baby radar" never turns off. I could be 30 miles away and still hear him cry. So a big F*CK YOU (sorry dad :D) to everyone who doubted me! I'm a great mother and i'm finally happy and you can't take that away from me.
Thank you Slade for making my heart come alive, the dead feeling is now gone and you make me really, really happy!
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