drum roll please...

I have taken a serious break from this blog. The past few months have been more than a whirlwind and I just needed some down time.

Everything has happened since I last wrote.

We found out we were expecting a little girl...

I also had a baby shower, made it to 39 weeks 1 day pregnant...

And most importantly I had a beautiful healthy baby girl!
Can't wait to post more about her in her very own special post! xx

In Memory

If you've never had to deal with the death of a loved one, count your blessings.

It's never easy to loose a grandparent, aunt, cousin, parent, child...or a sibling. Sadly, I've been through my fair share of shocking losses. A grandpa, a grandma, a great-grandfather, many Aunts, cousins... but nothing will probably ever compare to the shock and horror of loosing one of the most special people God ever blessed me with. My sister.

Kelsie was most definitely one of the most beautiful, kind hearted people. She had such wisdom to know exactly what to say in any given situation. Since we lived 300 miles away for the past 3 years, I called her probably 7-8 times a day. She wasn't yet a mother but I constantly called her for parenting advice. I called her for recipes, marriage counseling, fashion tips, and especially for interior design ideas- since she majored and graduated with an interior design degree (and she was really, really good at it. The girl had a keen eye for design). Sometimes (often) I even called to talk about stupid things like if Dane lost my debit card or if the Doctor at Slade's pediatricians office had smelly breath. Often my opening line would be "Are you working?" -- the answer was always yes, but yet she never rushed to get off the phone...She always heard me out.

Growing up we were normal sisters. We played Barbie's together, fighting about who got to keep the pair of shoes that were finally found, "drive thru" with our play kitchen in the doorway, and "car" by lining up chairs in the hallway and strapping our dolls in as our pretend kids- just to name a few.

Though she was three years and 10 months older than me, she was shy and I can remember her asking me to call the pizza man at age  7 when she was clearly a "big girl". I also remember her hitting an age when I was the annoying little sister...she would have sleepovers and I wasn't allowed to watch movies in her room with her and her friends, so I would hide under her bed and watch anyways.

In high school she let her awkward freshman sister (who wore men's boxer briefs under jeans to school) sit with her friends at lunch. We even had a class together where we got in trouble for picking on another girl (oops! guess we could be catty sometimes). I got to go to band practice with her - she managed a band and met her future husband through it. He's watched me grow up from a kid who drooled on him while asleep into the lady I am today. I couldn't have asked for a better guy for my sister, or a better brother in law.

After I went through my rebellious stage, where we were not so close...somewhere between there and here, she became my best friend again. 

She even witnessed and helped during the birth of my son, Slade. 

So obviously, her passing away was probably the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. 

Everyone grieves differently, I go through waves. Pretty much the "norm" - denial, anger, depression...In no particular order. I find it's easiest to stay in the denial stage. It's a great way to block the pain of the truth. It's more than unfair for someone that young and perfect to go so suddenly. There is no explanation and not even trying to convince myself that there is a "plan" has really helped.

The difference in loosing someone older, like your grandparent and someone like your sibling is that it's unnatural to loose someone that soon. You have somewhat of an understanding that your 99 year old grandparent will eventually (sooner rather than later) pass away. It's almost easy, because you know they lived a full life. They have no regrets. Hopefully they were Christians and you believe you will see them again. A sudden passing makes death a very real threat. 

I never worried about my other family members soul before. I guess I wasn't old enough to consider such a thing, or I assumed they would be fine. I know my sister was a child of God- but since I've never been to heaven or experienced it, It's hard to imagine where she is right now. What she has access to and what she doesn't. If she remembers anything about her past life- has regrets, sadness, confusion...All of that is almost the hardest part because I can't just call her to find out what's going on, how she is feeling- what it's like where she is & comfort her like I would if she were here.

I talked to my sister everyday. She was the one person who know everything about me and didn't judge me. Friends can claim to be there for you all day- and i'm thankful they are, but no one will ever be able to take her place because she had to be my sister. I could bother her and not care! She was forced to be connected to me. She was a part of the reason I am the way I am. Our souls were connected in such a way that mine is missing a huge part and that's a very painful feeling. One that may never go away.

kelsie & I in Paris, 2008

I am trying to continue my life as I would if she were still here, to honor her by living my life to the fullest because truly we never know when it's our time. It's hard to think about all the things she will miss- my daughters birth, my kid's growing up, and countless other important milestones and holidays... but I just have to keep hoping she is watching over us in complete bliss waiting to greet me when it's my turn to go.

out of order

I haven't really felt much like blogging lately. Sometimes I get into a funk where I feel like my little life is uninteresting to most. Sprinkle a little happy, energetic 16 month old in the mix and this girl barely has time (or energy) to open up her laptop!

Of course we had a very, very exciting event happen to us a few weeks ago but I'm waiting on a friend to send me the video- and so it will be a blog topic at another time. Today, I want to talk about a couple other things on my mind.

Attachment Parenting.

I'm going to talk about how I feel on this topic. If you want the official definition, you can click on the link above.

Attachment parenting in short is a natural birth, extended breast feeding, safely co-sleeping, positive disciple (ie no hitting), and all about your child having a voice.

I can't truly talk about attachment parenting unless I address the Time Magazine cover that is pretty much infamous now. If you haven't seen it, I'm surprised. I'm not going to post it here, because I honestly feel like it's been sensationalized and the title "Are you mom enough?" It's completely off base. You can view it here.

Most people of course reacted pretty harshly to the Time Magazine cover. Instead of showing the mother lovingly holding her child, they put her in a pose that is just ridiculous. No mom is going to be like "Hop on up here on this stool & have a sip!" I highly doubt she actually nurses her 3 year old like that on a daily basis. Again, it's meant to sell magazines. As for extended breast feeding....more power to you! I personally found breastfeeding to be nothing short of exhausting. 13 months was 7 months too long for me, but I did believe my son had a "voice" and he wasn't ready to quit. Not to mention any pediatrician will recommend (and sometimes even tell you) that you should nurse for a minimum of 12 months. Toddlers benefit just like babies do, which is why some moms continue into the second, third, and even fourth year. Bonding, comfort, security, immunological benefits...I can see why people want to E.B.F. That's why I say, unless you've been there don't judge & every mother has the right to choose what's right for her and her child. Let me just add- I do not think any mother is better just because she co-slept, had a natural birth, OR breastfed for any length of time. Women used to literally high five me for breastfeeding so long...and I just felt like rolling my eyes. I also had an unplanned natural birth, and it was the worst experience! Everyone is different and should raise their kids based on what feels right to them.

Moving on to the attachment parenting topic that's really got me thinking...

Co-sleeping.

I spent weeks primping and organizing Slade's nursery. I can't count the times I rearranged the little stuffed animals in his crib, played his light up mobile songs & just dreamt of the day I would watch him sleep in his crib. Little did I know he would absolutely hate that crib.

One of the most useful gifts I got at my shower was a pack n' play. He slept in that thing, tucked right next to my bed, until he was too big for it (around 4 months) and I got so excited to finally move him into his crib. I thought it would be a good feeling- but not only did I miss him but I was constantly going back and forth to tend to him during the night. It was exhausting! I finally caved (more like I fell asleep with him in my arms in my bed just about every night) and let him sleep with me. It worked great for awhile. He was right there when he woke up at 2, 4, and 6am to eat (who's counting?) & I mastered being a zombie and did everything in my sleep. Before too long, he got big... He slept the wrong way in the bed and Dane and I each had feet or elbows in our faces and 2 inches of bed.

We decided he needed to be in his own room. I got rid of the dreaded cage, I mean crib, and we replaced it with a double bed. He did pretty good, coming into our room sometime in the night (one of those zombie feedings) and I found once I weaned him, he slept through the night! At some point though, I realized I didn't want him to sleep in his room. Call it mommy anxiety but I felt at ease feeling his little body snuggled up next to me. I didn't care anymore about not having any space and I welcomed elbows in my rib cage.

I finally admitted to Dane that it wasn't Slade who needed to sleep with me, it was me who needed to sleep with Slade. It is comforting knowing he's safe tucked in between us. I wondered how this "co-sleeping" would workout with a newborn. I decided not to even invest in a new crib and beat myself up night after night after "crying it out" failed because I was too much of a wimp to listen to my child cry for me.

In no way do I think I attachment parent to the fullest...I'm not really an eco-friendly mom hippy type of mom. I use adult bug spray on him & disposable diapers (because who wants MORE laundry to do?!). I just know that my child benefits from excessive love & if he wants to snuggle until he's 12 I'm going to let him. I'm still trying to figure out the kinks of having a baby who wakes up multiple times in the same room as a baby who sleeps through the night but I think it's going to work just fine!

Eighteen

already 18 weeks

The past few weeks, things have felt pretty much the same. Not too much weight gain (a pound or two up and down on any given day) and I haven't had any kind of weird cravings. I still haven't felt really any sort of movement, though. I've been super tuned into it but I guess having a 15 month old jumping up and down all over you would kind of overpower anything else.

Inside though things are looking like this:

photo taken by Lennart Nillson
Pretty amazing huh?

The baby now weighs 7 ounces and is 5 1/2 inches long- the size of a bell pepper.

I think Slade definitely has some sort of intuition about it because he has become even more clingy than usual (didn't think it was possible) and his new favorite word has become Mama.
 Mama everything.

We are now down to 12 days on our countdown & I have sent out the invites to our gender reveal party. It's getting more real now! So excited.

today, I am thankful.

Today, I am thankful for...

Pickle Juice

Yeah it probably sounds super nasty, especially if you aren't pregnant but it seriously puts a stop to leg cramps. I have forever been searching for a natural remedy & I promise this works- instantly!

Nap Time

Even though I didn't get to nap today with Slade, just having an hour of peace and quiet is awesome.

(Especially when you are being plagued with migraines daily)

Fioricet

My best friend, who kicks my worst enemy's butt. Having a full bottle of these puppies is getting me through my life right now.

The maxi dress

Perfect for a big pregger. Breathable, stretchy, comfortable. Easy to dress up with some accessories. This one, from American Apparel is on my current "want" list.

Fresh Fruit

My current craving I guess you could say. Especially strawberries & melons. I guess that's a good thing and contributing to my minor weigh gain thus far.

The end of a VERY long wait...

I finally feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that is waiting for our gender ultrasound appointment. April is almost over! In two weeks we will be standing on the beach doing something similiar and I am beyond excited to find out with our family & friends.

Let the countdown begin.

Go vote on the poll on my home page!

bookworm

Just finished reading Bloom this morning while Slade took his nap.

I couldn't put the thing down the entire weekend (despite my husbands demands) and I am actually kind of sad it's over. It was just simply amazing. I want to share it with everyone I know, especially moms.

I'm immediately sending it in the mail to my sister.

I had many tears, laughs, & favorites- but one part really struck me hard today so I wanted to share it.

"But here's the one thing: once you become a parent...once you start feeling a little funny and you buy that pregnancy test...once you see that pink plus sign...once you know it's not just you anymore...well, you automatically carry around, for the rest of your life, an increased likelihood of having your heart broken. And it's a constant fear we struggle to put to rest. We can choose to be afraid or we can choose to live. And I choose to live. Because an increased likelihood of having your heart broken also carries with it an increased likelihood of finding yourself the happiest you've ever been in life. And I was learning that when the "what if" voices came, I could tell them to shut the hell up and advocate for my child- attentively, fiercely, fully."

Amazingly written and so true. No one tells you that when you become a parent, your entire world will revolve around someone else for the rest of your life. It's a sick but beautiful feeling. I enjoy being a mother and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat everyday just waiting to see what this new life brings.

We find out the sex of the baby on May 1st. My appointment is at 1pm, but I am debating on throwing a little "gender announcement" party for family and friends later that afternoon. I'm on to research some ideas...

but I leave you with a thought for the day (and a few cute pictures of my little guy):

"What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -- Mary Oliver

`

Baby "W" Update

I'm on the last leg of the fourth month. Things have settled down for me emotionally, but I'm still getting the horrible migraines about every 2-3 days! Luckily Monday I go back to my OBGYN so I can possibly either get more medication or they might want to send me to a neurologist.


Just four days away from finding out the exact date we will find out the sex! So exciting, and I'm really hoping it's before May. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait!!

This week the baby is the size of an avocado, or as my sister referred to it: guacamole baby...
4 1/2 inches long and 3 1/2 ounces. I've been feeling more baby movements but they are really subtle.

Dane and I are still throwing names around, and I have a feeling I will be naming this baby because he hasn't gotten very serious about it. He's been suggesting things like "Theodore" and "Jasmine"...uh, yeah. I'll stick with my names thank you.

I've been very happy with my weight gain thus far- only about 8 lbs that I've gained. I'm doing much better this time!! Is it just me or am I carrying high this time?!