If you've never had to deal with the death of a loved one, count your blessings.
It's never easy to loose a grandparent, aunt, cousin, parent, child...or a sibling. Sadly, I've been through my fair share of shocking losses. A grandpa, a grandma, a great-grandfather, many Aunts, cousins... but nothing will probably ever compare to the shock and horror of loosing one of the most special people God ever blessed me with. My sister.
Kelsie was most definitely one of the most beautiful, kind hearted people. She had such wisdom to know exactly what to say in any given situation. Since we lived 300 miles away for the past 3 years, I called her probably 7-8 times a day. She wasn't yet a mother but I constantly called her for parenting advice. I called her for recipes, marriage counseling, fashion tips, and especially for interior design ideas- since she majored and graduated with an interior design degree (and she was really, really good at it. The girl had a keen eye for design). Sometimes (often) I even called to talk about stupid things like if Dane lost my debit card or if the Doctor at Slade's pediatricians office had smelly breath. Often my opening line would be "Are you working?" -- the answer was always yes, but yet she never rushed to get off the phone...She always heard me out.
Growing up we were normal sisters. We played Barbie's together, fighting about who got to keep the pair of shoes that were finally found, "drive thru" with our play kitchen in the doorway, and "car" by lining up chairs in the hallway and strapping our dolls in as our pretend kids- just to name a few.
Though she was three years and 10 months older than me, she was shy and I can remember her asking me to call the pizza man at age 7 when she was clearly a "big girl". I also remember her hitting an age when I was the annoying little sister...she would have sleepovers and I wasn't allowed to watch movies in her room with her and her friends, so I would hide under her bed and watch anyways.
In high school she let her awkward freshman sister (who wore men's boxer briefs under jeans to school) sit with her friends at lunch. We even had a class together where we got in trouble for picking on another girl (oops! guess we could be catty sometimes). I got to go to band practice with her - she managed a band and met her future husband through it. He's watched me grow up from a kid who drooled on him while asleep into the lady I am today. I couldn't have asked for a better guy for my sister, or a better brother in law.
After I went through my rebellious stage, where we were not so close...somewhere between there and here, she became my best friend again.
She even witnessed and helped during the birth of my son, Slade.
So obviously, her passing away was probably the worst thing I have ever had to deal with.
Everyone grieves differently, I go through waves. Pretty much the "norm" - denial, anger, depression...In no particular order. I find it's easiest to stay in the denial stage. It's a great way to block the pain of the truth. It's more than unfair for someone that young and perfect to go so suddenly. There is no explanation and not even trying to convince myself that there is a "plan" has really helped.
The difference in loosing someone older, like your grandparent and someone like your sibling is that it's unnatural to loose someone that soon. You have somewhat of an understanding that your 99 year old grandparent will eventually (sooner rather than later) pass away. It's almost easy, because you know they lived a full life. They have no regrets. Hopefully they were Christians and you believe you will see them again. A sudden passing makes death a very real threat.
I never worried about my other family members soul before. I guess I wasn't old enough to consider such a thing, or I assumed they would be fine. I know my sister was a child of God- but since I've never been to heaven or experienced it, It's hard to imagine where she is right now. What she has access to and what she doesn't. If she remembers anything about her past life- has regrets, sadness, confusion...All of that is almost the hardest part because I can't just call her to find out what's going on, how she is feeling- what it's like where she is & comfort her like I would if she were here.
I talked to my sister everyday. She was the one person who know everything about me and didn't judge me. Friends can claim to be there for you all day- and i'm thankful they are, but no one will ever be able to take her place because she had to be my sister. I could bother her and not care! She was forced to be connected to me. She was a part of the reason I am the way I am. Our souls were connected in such a way that mine is missing a huge part and that's a very painful feeling. One that may never go away.
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| kelsie & I in Paris, 2008 |
I am trying to continue my life as I would if she were still here, to honor her by living my life to the fullest because truly we never know when it's our time. It's hard to think about all the things she will miss- my daughters birth, my kid's growing up, and countless other important milestones and holidays... but I just have to keep hoping she is watching over us in complete bliss waiting to greet me when it's my turn to go.
